A lot happened last week. Most of it didn’t make the news. Unfortunately, some of it did…

In POLITICS, with the next 48-hour Democratic Primary Death Match nearly upon us, pundits desperately tried to squeeze the last bit of drama out of this entirely mundane run-up to a largely scripted dog and pony show. Since we’re playing this for entertainment value anyway, I have a suggestion: Let’s do an hour before the debate called “Who Wants to Lead the Free World Anyway!” Have a trivia round, then a round of that tennis ball gun game from American Gladiators. Top 8 play musical chairs until there’s only five. Winners get to debate. Everyone else shuts up until 2021.

Speaking of Democratic POTUS candidates, the AP ran a fact check on recent statements made by some of the frontrunners on the topics of immigration, health care, and the economy. Shockingly, these quotes contained misleading statements, intentional omissions of relevant facts, and outright lies.

In response, in his perpetual bid to show everyone he’s “The Best” at everything, President Trump one-upped these potential campaign opponents by spending last Tuesday at the Turning Point Teen Student Summit lying to teenagers. But no one paid any attention to what the President said, because everyone was talking about the fake Presidential seal that ‘mysteriously appeared’ behind Trump during the event.

In other political news, Robert Mueller testified before a congressional committee, again, and said what he already said, again, and refused to say what he already refused to say, again. Except that he was worse at it this time, leaving left-wing pundits to sulk like Ralphie wearing the pink nightmare.

After the hearing, during which Democrats asked Mueller to read from the text like a third-grader and Republicans talked about the Clintons, various leftwing pundits were heard to say: “See! Trump’s guilty… of something… because he is!”

In response, Trump advisor and walking, talking “I’m Not Racist, But…” meme, Stephen Miller, described the President as, “Pure as the driven snow, wholesome as white milk, crisp and clean as my linen sheets…”

In SPORTS, in the run-up to the next NFL season, Amazon Prime is broadcasting its latest installment of All or Nothing, which would be a great show if it wasn’t about stuff that happened a year ago. It’s an entertaining program, but knowing the Panthers got “Nothing” drastically reduces the drama.

Speaking of NFL football, ESPN is predicting Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes will be even better than last season, when he threw for more than 5,000 yards and 50 touchdowns. They base this prediction on the fact that most of Andy Reid’s QBs show marked improvement in their sophomore seasons. If by “better,” they mean “finally beating Brady” that would be cool.

And, in MLB, the Red Sox scored 44 runs in a four-game series against the Yankees. The scores would have been higher, but BoSox hitters developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome from rounding all those bases. In response, MLB officials reportedly screamed, “There is nothing, seriously, NOTHING, going on with the new baseballs! Why do people keep asking!”

In APOCALYPSE IS NIGH News, a 16-year-old kid won the first ever Fortnite World Cup, earning a $3 million payday; and the second-place finisher won $1.8 million. Good luck getting your kids to do their homework, parents.

In WEATHER, meteorologist Roosevelt E. Roosevelt says “It’s hot, HOT and WET, and that’s not good!” This is accurate. Yesterday, two frogs and a duck knocked on my door begging to come inside.


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