Time for another installment of The Week That Was, in which we wish were making up more of this than we actually are.

 

In NATIONAL News: as they have on so many previous July 4ths, the nation’s farmers showed up strong, managing to effectively deter all the crop-destroying birds in the country with a single massive national display of choreographed red-white-and-blue pyrotechnics. Reached for comment, several self-identified “farmers” chugged a Budweiser and said, “Birds? Never thought about it. I guess they don’t like fireworks. They sure freak the dog out.”

Also in NATIONAL News: The Coast Guard became a viral video by chasing down a submarine, boarding the sub, cracking the hatch, and securing the crew, as well as roughly $569 million in cocaine. Through a spokesman, the drug cartel said, “We couldn’t figure out how to make it dive. For what we paid, there should be a button or something.”

In POLITICAL News: Kansas Senate candidate Kris Kobach’s campaign initially misspelled his name on his Federal Election Commission filing this past week. The error was remedied minutes later, but not before the entire world found out via Drive Time Radio. Reached for comment, several voters seemed to appreciate the gaffe, one saying, “He’s just like us!”

Also in POLITICS, 26-year-old pundit Tomi Lauren, whom the nation’s adults listen to for some inexplicable reason, took to Twitter to promote yet another boycott of Starbucks, after a brain-addled barista ousted some cops from a Tempe, Arizona coffee shop. Reached for comment, the barista said, “Who hasn’t done or said something stupid before they had their coffee?”

In response, the nation’s Angry Social Media Denizens recycled their dusty Boycott Starbucks memes from the last time they swore to Never Mention Starbucks Again… and the time before that. In response, Starbucks said: “It was one guy, I mean ONE GUY! Whadda you people want from us!” To which, the nation responded: “Better coffee.” Over in the corner, Dunkin raised a cup: “I got you, fam.”

In LOCAL News: Responding to reports of small patches of blue-green algae in Bradenton’s Manatee River, officials at Siesta Key, in an ill-advised bout of competitive reflex, dumped more than 35,000 gallons of raw sewage into Grand Canal. Seriously though, this unfortunate accident was blamed on a malfunctioning booster station. Less than half of the contaminated spill was recovered, and further action was taken to contain the problem. An official statement warned that “Ingesting untreated human sewage may cause widespread gastrointestinal issues… leading to a dramatic increase in untreated human sewage.” In response, the Florida Department of Health urged people to Take Precautions, including, apparently, freaking out on Facebook, because we all know, that’s the first place to go for accurate information.

In SPORTS: A lot of previously less productive Major League Baseball players are hitting homers this season, prompting some barstool sports aficionados to wonder if MLB is fiddling with the equipment in search of more offense. Sought for comment, one loquacious fan offered this nugget: “Of course! It’s a f—ing joke… We’re not idiots!” Turns out, this fan was actually Astros ace Justin Verlander, who essentially accused MLB of leveraging its ownership of Rawlings to juice the balls for ratings. Reached for comment, MLB officials said, “We have no idea what he’s talking about… And, why is he complaining anyway? Now, even pitchers can go yard!” In related news: Last night, the Padres reportedly beat the Rockies, 96-93 in the 21st inning.

And, finally, in WILDLIFE News: A cockatoo, aggravated by a shopping mall’s discriminatory “anti-bird” policy, decided to take matters into his own beak, ripping out the spikes that discourage feathered shoppers from perching on mall buildings. A flock of seagulls was reportedly heard shouting, “Solidarity!” before flying away to cruise the food court for dropped french fries.

Addendum: Rest in Peace, Ross Perot, the most “viable” third-party candidate in a generation, endless font of quotable quotes, and Person Most Responsible for the election of William Jefferson Clinton.

 

 

*Image credit Reverend Billy, Wikimedia Commons

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