A lot happened this week. Most of it didn’t make the news. What did was, well, here goes…

In MEDIA News, CNN, one step away from openly begging for ratings like Jeb Bush asking for applause, actually held a “live draft” for the upcoming Democratic Primary “debate.” They promoted this on their morning “news” shows, breaking down their methodology like ESPN discussing the NBA draft lottery. Earnest-faced hosts made sure everyone knew the “front runners” would be “evenly split” over both nights. “For fairness,” of course.

Speaking of the second round of Survivor DNC Edition, airing July 30-31, Muppet performers Statler and Waldorf remain the front runners. Meanwhile, candidate Kamala “Not the Ugandan Giant” Harris clarified that she does not believe Statler is racist, but reiterated that his previous political positions are clearly racist-adjacent. Reached for comment, Statler was unable to be heard over the constant din of other candidates desperately hoping he promises them a cabinet post.

In TRAVEL News, a Colombian guy tried to smuggle $34,000 in cocaine under his toupee. When asked for comment, the man said, “I figured it was so absurd, people would just uncomfortably avert their eyes.” In a statement, TSA officials said, “At least it wasn’t anything alive this time.”

In POLITICAL News, the President of the United States told a group of U.S.-born lawmakers to “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came…” To which one lawmaker responded: “You were born right up the street from me.”

In what the White House insisted was ‘entirely unrelated news,’ First Lady Melania Trump said her anti-cyber-bullying campaign had “hit a snag,” but that she planned to “take care of it tonight at dinner.”

In an Oval Office press conference a few days later, responding to a video of his supporters chanting “send them back!” President Trump said that he “didn’t support the chant” and “would make them stop next time.”

Meanwhile, both houses of Congress, in a rare demonstration of unity, commemorated 14,244 days of doing essentially nothing about the desperate and dysfunctional U.S. immigration system. House Leader Nancy Pelosi brought the balloons, and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell cut the cake. Bernie Sanders did not receive a piece.

In SPORTS, a couple of distracted USWNT players accidentally dropped the flag during a post-win celebration. The optics of U.S. athletes treating the flag like a couple of antsy first-year Cub Scouts struggling through the Pledge of Allegiance did not go over well. However, given the pundits’ reaction, you would’ve thought the girls river-danced on Old Glory wearing Hitler mustaches. Asked about this incident while debarking their chartered jet, World Cup superstar, Megan Rapinoe, held up a plastic cup and shouted, “Drinks!”

In WEATHER News, scientists have reportedly ‘discovered’ that ‘trees are good for the environment’ and that planting them could help mitigate global warming. At the news conference, researchers claimed they’d been saying this for years and were baffled by the sudden headlines. At one point, a guy in the back, wearing coveralls and a full Grizzly Adams beard stood up and shouted, “Hemp would be better!” He was tackled to the ground and dragged outside by four men in black suits who witnesses said ‘came from out of nowhere’.

Also in Weather, it’s hot, and girls are dressing less, reportedly checking out the fellas to tell ‘em who’s best. Meteorologist William Smith suggests hopping in the water plug. But don’t bother counting the seconds after a lightning flash to determine the distance. That’s a myth.


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